Need to vent.

Maybe my mother is right and I’m some unappreciative bitch but whatever, I need to vent and I have no friends so here I am. If you’re gonna be like everyone else and tell me I don’t get to do that, fuck off, you’re on my blog.

I spent almost all of the summer away from home, first visiting my dad in New Orleans and then visiting both friends and family in North Carolina. I’ve been home less than two and a half fucking days after tweeting my mother about how upset she is and how mean all of her friends on Twitter are being when they aren’t and how much she misses me. And already she’s pissed off at me for absolutely no god damn motherfucking reason.

She wants me to watch the stupid opening ceremonies for the Olympics which I could absolutely not care less about because I’ve seen the majority of them already (or more than I care to, anyway) and simply don’t care about whatever was in them.

I was listening to music and asked her if I could finish the song and she said okay, went to the bathroom and came back. There was a slow part in the song where it slowed down and picked back up and she freaked the fuck out and said “Why are you being so mean to me” “I just want to watch this” etc etc etc.

Earlier she was having random spasms of being okay and grumpiness and monotone voices and every time the latter happened I would ask her what’s wrong, what happened, etc. She didn’t answer and would get pissy with me for continuing so I would stop. And eventually I told her, you know, stop thinking that I don’t care about you because you have your periods of time where you freak out over nothing and tell me that I don’t care about you and that I’m so selfish when I’m NOT and I DO care about you. And she said I know, I know, blah blah blah. And then she goes and does this anyway.

I had a feeling today would be shitty, just like Kenny had a feeling yesterday would be good. And it was, which is fucking great because this would be even worse if yesterday had been awful too.

But seriously? I did nothing. In fact, I did less than nothing, because all day I’ve been trying to cheer her up.

When she freaked out I closed the song because she was so pissy and started watching the ceremony crap and told me to look at something while I was typing something to Kenny and I looked up, not saying anything because she was still speaking. And again. She flipped the hell out and said “I just thought this was cool and you might like it”  and attacking me for not letting her do anything she wants to do.

Even though we’ve watched soccer all day long because she likes it and I haven’t been watching TV all day.

And then she goes outside periodically (often) throughout the day because she smokes outside and does that a lot. And I’ll go outside with her because she wants to talk to me which we don’t really do when we’re both doing our thing on the computer.

And then she’ll just sit on her goddamn iPhone 4 or whatever that her work paid for that’s top of the notch and everything and read Twitter.

When she asked me to go outside with her.

 

And I just got back from Kenny’s house, Kenny who has a younger and older sister and both a mother and a father who love him and whose parents don’t waste their money on drinking and cigarettes and who does shit with their family and who all have bedrooms and shit. And it’s like why the hell can’t I have a family like that? What the hell have I done that means I have to have a life like this? Why can’t I have normal parents?

Or even be a normal person myself for that fucking matter. My anxiety was even worse when I was leaving North Carolina this time. I vomited four days before leaving and had recurring stomach pain every night until I left and vomited five times the night before and morning of my departure which is record high. That’s too much information for strangers but I don’t give a damn because I need someone to vent to and have no goddamn friends to talk to.

Not to mention that, even! I have to go to school next Thursday as a junior and have a whole new fucking set of problems to deal with. Wonderful! I’m so motherfucking excited for my new school year to just go SO FABULOUSLY!

 

Needless to say it’s a bad night. I hope y’alls is going better.

Advertisements

Reflecting on Sophomore Year

(Warning: I’m writing from my iPhone and it’s 11pm, so I apologize in advance for any spelling errors I miss! Thanks for your patience.)

Today was the last day of my sophomore year in high school.
I don’t really know how to react.

I’ve mentioned my Fantastic Grade Turnaround previously, but it really showed in this past week and on Friday, when final exams started. I had five finals: English, Geometry, Spanish, History and Biology. I got a perfect 100 on the Spanish final. A 98 on the Bio final. And exceptional grades all around except for History which capped off for the year as an 85 and an 81 on the final exam …. But I’m okay with that, because I was worried as hell about that one.

In any event, I feel like I’ve grown a lot this year, despite not really intending to feel more grown up. I feel this need to think about everything … This is only a brief summarization being written in part due to guilt of inactivity from the blog and in part because I am afraid of losing the thoughts if I don’t write them down somewhere!

In any event… I also started my summer homework for my AP English class today. We have to read In Cold Blood. It seems sad on premise but also interesting. Then we have to pick a nonfiction book of our own interest to read and review and I have noooo idea yet what to pick. Tomorrow I think I’ll do the AP Psychology summer homework, which is super simple – taking definitions straight from the book in provided graphic organizers. 😛

It’s 11:10 pm and I’m super sleepy – circadian rhythm still attuned to school. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll get on my computer and fill in more details of the last two weeks or so. Have a good week every body – and a good summer!

P.S.: for anyone keeping track.. Is my blog a year old yet?!?

An update in the life.

Unfortunately, here I am – sick again. I’ll spare you half the details as they aren’t the freshest – and tell you only that I had very sharp and very terrible stomach pains earlier this morning. They have mostly subsided, but even with eating bread (intentionally very harmless food to avoid any more upset) there is still a dull pain.

I’ve slept a lot this morning in an attempt to sleep off whatever is ailing me but to little to no avail. But I was looking for things to write about and I started reading some of my older posts, primarily Volunteering!, which talked a lot about where I was in school and whatnot.

So.. News! It’s now May, and I have completed the 50 hours required to receive a half-credit. Additionally, since I don’t plan to just stop working until next year, I’m allowed to earn hours towards my junior year half-credit. Since I’m starting early, it’s 60 hours instead of 50 to keep it fair, but that’s fine by me. No reason not to kick ass. 🙂

With school, I’ve been kicking my grades up through the roof. I have all A’s except for History and English which are a high and low B respectively. I suspect, however, that my English grade is actually higher because the teacher has only entered three assignments’ worth of grades into our grade-checking program. Which is annoying, by the way – teachers are always encouraging you to check it for your grades and then some teachers hardly ever use it!

Sickness and distraction have clouded up my mind from writing very well but I have a couple of other posts that I’d like to revive just in case anyone is new to reading my blog and would like to check out some older posts on topics I’ve recently written about …

  • Regarding the recent anti-Amendment One post: Freedom
  • Not something I’ve talked about recently, but one of my most popular posts from last summer: Thursday Thirteen: Crafts I Want To Try
  • Again, not something I’ve talked about, but this is a wonderful story of love and sex. Obviously.. Click at your own discretion: In Defense of Love. (Previously seen in this post.)
  • On being happy for what you have: Appreciation.

Have a good Wednesday, everybody, and a great week if I fail to post again.

Incredible rant

Dear god, what an awful day. First: It’s Friday, and I’m home sick because this morning and last night I felt like absolute shit. I was very stressed and emotionally … emotionally, just fucked. However, I had three quizzes today plus a project due that I can’t email easily.

For the next two weeks I, as a sophomore, am required to do CAPT testing which is Connecticut’s version of TAKS testing for Texas or EOG’s and EOC’s for North Carolina; I’m sure you all have or remember those terrible standardized assessments that were just God-awful. And I don’t even say that as I’m a non-religious person. In case any of you don’t know, I’m referring to multiple-choice and open-answered assessments required by the state in the US for students to take and pass. The abbreviations are as follows in the order they appear above: Connecticut Academic Performance Test, Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skill, End of Grade and End of Course. These are the three variants of tests I’ve taken in the three various states I’ve lived in for middle school and high school. I can honestly say that they are all the exact same category of tests … just different names.

This means that the school schedule will become hectic and making up those quizzes will be difficult. Not to mention that I was not even really prepared for 2 of the 3 quizzes that I was responsible for today. I have homework that I need to make up in addition to whatever was likely given today. I have a lab report I need to write.

Put simply, I am stressed.

It’s 12:30 now, half past noon. The past half hour has been taken up with showering and writing this blog. This morning was composed of sleep and reading the blog of an artist of a webcomic I have long been a fan of. In other words … Nearly nothing.

Have you ever been okay with a somewhat shitty situation until you saw something – anything, it could be other people, an object, a photo of a place or seeing yourself in the mirror – and just … started thinking about how much your situation sucks?

Not only do I feel uncomfortable writing about the murky details of it but suffice to say that I hate Connecticut and all of its inhabitants, is the general summary. It is a wicked place and I mean that in the literal sense of the word rather than its adapted form, a synonym for ‘very’ that I’d never heard in real life until moving here.

Have you ever tried to reform yourself by quitting bad habits cold-turkey and had a wonderful and rewarding streak of success … only to fall for ONE day and be completely demoralized? How do you recuperate from that horrible feeling?

Freshman year, I was kind of a bad student. Not the obnoxiously loud and talkative kind. But the kind who never had their homework in because they simply couldn’t be arsed to do it. My grades weren’t terrible, but it was apparent that effort was just minimal. This year, I’ve been trying very avidly to pick my grades up and keep them up and do all my homework and pour just … so much more effort into school. I have become interested in colleges and getting into where I want to be. Just.. almost a 180 turn around.
But … Yesterday. I don’t know what happened. Time flew without anything being done and I just … I just don’t know what happened. It was a mess. Headaches and stress and fear and just everything builds up.

I was going to rant a lot more but writing it all out makes it harder to focus on and cope with in a rational and reasonable way of thinking, so I am going to go ahead and call it quits for now. I promise to keep up with the blog more frequently. I know this on-and-off thing is annoying; it annoys me too, I have great ideas and no time or all the time in the world with no idea what to type.

Here’s hoping you guys are having a better time than I am.

Volunteering!

Today, I did 185 minutes of volunteer time in the library at my school. I now have a total of 4.25 hours already logged in a total of two volunteering days! The work should be tedious, but really I enjoy it. It’s all about ordering things – by number, by author, by date for the newspapers. It’s all about being detail-oriented and it honestly makes the time go by pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, most of this time was during my two study halls I’ve got on B days since I dropped Concert Choir. The decision was only a tad bit difficult. The student managers were becoming unbearable and the teacher was beginning to get frustrated with all the misbehaving children and in response, made a seating chart. This seating chart placed me near a bunch of misbehaving children. Additionally, I’ve been having really awful chronic headaches lately that have been plaguing me. They seem to only bother me when I’m home and after homework is done; when my mind is finally free to relax and focus on things that aren’t necessary.

I joined the school newspaper last Thursday. They meet every Thursday and their issue will come out this week. The teacher who runs it is a very sweet lady. Her name is Mrs. P because her real name is too difficult for me to spell. Last week, we all edited the stories. It was actually pretty fun. Mrs. P has a SmartBoard in her room which is kind of like a large touch-screen projector except even cooler. So some of the other people sat at the computer alternately and we all sat in various chairs and peer edited it!

To be honest, there’s more to talk about, but I don’t think I’ll be awake for long enough to continue writing. I’m so tired! I stayed after school today because the library is open late on Mondays (and Thursdays, but I can’t stay then because of the Rampage) and I wanted to rack up my hours. So I was there until three and then was doing homework from the time I got home until around six or seven at night. It was absolutely awful. Finishing a geometry review, then finishing history work that I was behind on, and then taking some notes on a historical figure that compared to Lord of the Flies. That’s a particularly drab assignment, especially because that book was rather … disturbing.

Anyway, I am going to bed now with a hint of my upcoming writing project. I’m taking creative writing next year, and my lovely Boyfriend told me about these cool six word stories. I recommend checking them out!

The Present and The Future

If you’ve been reading previously, the problems of the previous post have been resolved. Again, I find it unethical to reveal any details besides that.

As a sophomore in high school I’ve completed the PSAT earlier this year and got my scores back recently via email and have been using this fantastic website, College Board. It’s quite the impressive website with several sources for colleges and SAT planning, etc.

I don’t have a lot to write about today, but I did feel the need to stop by and write a bit. So my life is pretty boring right now. Focusing on schoolwork and midterms.

I’m also really excited about college and have thus been planning for extracurriculars to take up and maintain. So far I think I’m going to be permanently be joining Book Club and I might join the school newspaper too.

More to come later this weekend. Happy Friday everybody!

Appreciation

Where are you right now?

You’re sitting on a chair or couch or perhaps you’re laying on a bed or couch or maybe on the floor somewhere. A desktop, laptop computer or smart phone. Maybe you’re at home, the house of a friend or family member or at the library. But you’re probably inside and you’ve got internet connection.

That’s at least two, maybe more depending on your situation, things that you should be grateful for. Do you ever even think about it? Are you comfortable right now, wherever you are?

How old are you? Are you in school or work? I bet you hate it every day, regardless of which it is. If you’re in school you’ve got homework and bitchy teachers who yell and are impatient. You’ve got classes you don’t understand so you get pissed off. You have another class where you don’t know anyone or maybe you know everyone and they’re the problem,  thoughtless creatures or maybe it’s you who’s thoughtless and they’re all conversational and intelligent and like to ask questions about things that you don’t understand.
Or if you’ve got work instead because you’re done with school. Your boss is lazy and bipolar and some days he thinks you’re the greatest worker there ever was while other days it almost seems like he’ll fire you if you sneeze. Your coworkers are lazy and don’t do anything, they don’t appreciate you and they’re unfriendly anyway. You work hard despite your shitty hours and how much you hate getting out of bed just to go to that job.

But school is there to educate you so that you can grow up and do something. School teaches you. Admittedly, some things you may never need to know or care about knowing but they may come in handy one day when your friends are intellectuals or your coworkers who you hate are having an educational conversation and you can pipe up with things you thought you’d never use.

That job you hate is giving you money. Money that will pay your bills, buy you food, buy you blankets and sheets and pillows for the bed where you sleep every night. Money that secures you and allows you to do more that you want to do.

Maybe you really do have a dead-end job because you’re sixteen and you work at McDonald’s and your family is a bunch of deadbeats who never wanted kids. The solution is not skipping classes or dropping out of school and drinking and doing drugs. Just because your family is a bunch of deadbeats doesn’t mean you need to grow up to be like them. You can make a future for yourself. You can go to school, and study, and get the grades. You can save up money from being a cashier at McDonald’s and you can go to college.

Why are there so many people my age – young adulthood – that think it’s amazing to smoke cigarettes? Because their parents do, because their friends pressure them into it? Why do THEY do it? It’s a dirty, smelly habit that gives you cancer. Why are kids even younger than that drinking alcohol? Why do teenagers post on Facebook that they’re home alone and that they know where their parents’ alcohol is stashed and does anyone want to come over and drink with me?

I’m sixteen years old. I am a sophomore in high school and I have a hell of time making any kind of a good grade. I’m in honor’s classes or my state’s version of them (accelerated – for some reason, Northeasterners call it accelerated) but I know sophomores taking two or three Advanced Placement classes – college courses. I’m working my ass off, as you may have noticed by my terrible lack of updating, just to maintain all right grades in the classes I have.
In 2013-14, I’m going to be applying to UT Austin. Admittedly, I don’t know yet what I’m going to study, but I’m interested in psychology and it is a growing field.I’m interested in expanding and creating my future.

More than that, I’m excited to be an adult. I want to have a job, and I want to buy a house and explore it. I want to create a family and scratch children’s heights in the door frame of the kitchen or living room. I want to paint a room. I want to move furniture. I want to grow up and I want to live.

Around me, I see so many kids that simply don’t care. I see kids that are in those AP classes and they make the grades easily and don’t care. It’s nothing to them. My best friend in the school I’m at is repeating freshman year because last year she didn’t care and when she did care, she got pissed every second she didn’t understand the material. She didn’t let anybody in.

There’s a point in your life where you have to grow up. You don’t have to be like me, waiting to go to college and waiting to buy a new house in your dream location. No. But you have to understand that you have to work with people. I’m a hypocrite. Because I’m in New England and I haven’t made but two friends in over two and a half years of living here. Everyone here is like a different species and the adults are the only ones who have a glimpse of that and the difference that it really, honestly makes.

But even they really don’t see it. They won’t listen, they don’t understand it. They have to pretend like they do because when you’re a teacher and a student asks you for help because they’re failing and they need some sort of assistance, it’s in your job description to be a role model and a source of support. But all the words in the world wouldn’t convince them that their other students are drug addicts, are lazy, they don’t care about work or school or anything. And you wonder… Why do you try?

 

You try because you care. Sometimes you know it’s fruitless. But you really care about something and it gnaws at you, it eats at you, because it matters.

This is a letter to all of you.

This is for the minors doing drugs, drinking alcohol. This is for the parents that drink too much. This is for the teachers that are so tired and stressed that they snap at students because they can’t take the pressure. This is for those of us who are less fortunate. This is for those of us that aren’t anywhere near as gifted as we’d like to be but work our asses off anyway.

Don’t give up. Be confident about your future. You don’t have to be doing what you’re doing. You can start over. A friend of mine once told me it was never too late. Take his advice.