It’s not fair.

Today was such a great day. So many awesome things were done and I even was nice to Douche-Boyfriend, and then he goes and depresses my mom again. Can you please fucking stop it? We were having a perfectly great day.

Then he was shitty, and then later on our dryer broke, and I’m having a hell of a time trying to write this dumb paper. Everything is very frustrating. I wish it would do me a favor and stop.

 

We deserve happiness … why is it so hard to achieve for us?

 

I hope everyone out there is having a better weekend …

In A Perfect World

I’d have parents who planned me, who today cared about my ambitions and my activities and the things I do.

I’d have a dad who today, despite the mileage, would make an effort to talk to me; who today, despite the political opinion disparity, discussed something else with me; who wasn’t a lazy fuck and who would want to spend time with me, instead of claiming to want to see me and to play single-player games the entire visit and claim to get their feelings hurt when I want to hang out with Grandma instead.

I’d have a mom who could put away her temporary boyfriend to see the value¬†not only in me but in herself; who could differentiate the person who made her mad and me, and subsequently correctly channel those otherwise normal and natural feelings; who could have a similar temperament day-to-day, and not scare me into walking on glass each day and hoping for luck that I won’t upset her.

I’d be able to learn to drive and not pay $425, while my boyfriend got driver’s ed for free; I’d be able to make friends and not feel alone in Connecticut; I’d be unafraid to talk to people, in groups or individuals; I’d be better at managing my time; I’d not feel like a waste of air for not being anywhere near as high up in the class as some of my peers who treat me horribly; I’d not feel ashamed to ask my mom for lunch money because of the mini financial crisis we’re having; I’d not have to push myself to run the mile every year of high school for gym and feel breathless (not in a good way); I’d be better at comprehending math; I wouldn’t compare myself to everyone and feel like shit all the time; et cetera.

Kingdom Hearts wouldn’t try to ship its game on nine different platforms; the roleplay on World of Warcraft wouldn’t be limited to veterans who have been doing it for 5-7 years and are completely decked out in awesome, and instead be less intimidating for newcomers; Facebook would pick a decent layout and STICK WITH IT ….

The lists could go on. What would your perfect world be like?

Terror and Fear

Last night something awful happened.

My love is in the hospital… and I do not know when he’s getting out.

I’m not posting details because I think that’s an invasion of privacy. Still, I can write about the feelings of shock and fear and agony in the body.

I’m sure I’m far from the only one that’s been there. You are trying not to cry. And you get this lump in your throat? Except the lump is like a big, huge rock, jagged edges from years of eroding and natural causes shrinking and changing and morphing it. You don’t know why you refuse to cry but you do and it hurts.

Then there’s me and my personal problem that I dunno if anyone else has. But I get sick real easy. Queasy and nervous and anxious. I threw up four times last night. Never a lot of anything. Felt like acid. I wonder if blood’s acidic, or if you throw up stomach acid if there’s nothing in your stomach.

Eating has been hard today, but I’ve managed to do a few things.

He was able to talk to me for a large portion of the morning and early afternoon, but then he got transferred to another room and his phone was confiscated. I’m scared.

I feel sick. I probably deserve it. This is my fault.