It’s not fair.

Today was such a great day. So many awesome things were done and I even was nice to Douche-Boyfriend, and then he goes and depresses my mom again. Can you please fucking stop it? We were having a perfectly great day.

Then he was shitty, and then later on our dryer broke, and I’m having a hell of a time trying to write this dumb paper. Everything is very frustrating. I wish it would do me a favor and stop.

 

We deserve happiness … why is it so hard to achieve for us?

 

I hope everyone out there is having a better weekend …

In A Perfect World

I’d have parents who planned me, who today cared about my ambitions and my activities and the things I do.

I’d have a dad who today, despite the mileage, would make an effort to talk to me; who today, despite the political opinion disparity, discussed something else with me; who wasn’t a lazy fuck and who would want to spend time with me, instead of claiming to want to see me and to play single-player games the entire visit and claim to get their feelings hurt when I want to hang out with Grandma instead.

I’d have a mom who could put away her temporary boyfriend to see the value not only in me but in herself; who could differentiate the person who made her mad and me, and subsequently correctly channel those otherwise normal and natural feelings; who could have a similar temperament day-to-day, and not scare me into walking on glass each day and hoping for luck that I won’t upset her.

I’d be able to learn to drive and not pay $425, while my boyfriend got driver’s ed for free; I’d be able to make friends and not feel alone in Connecticut; I’d be unafraid to talk to people, in groups or individuals; I’d be better at managing my time; I’d not feel like a waste of air for not being anywhere near as high up in the class as some of my peers who treat me horribly; I’d not feel ashamed to ask my mom for lunch money because of the mini financial crisis we’re having; I’d not have to push myself to run the mile every year of high school for gym and feel breathless (not in a good way); I’d be better at comprehending math; I wouldn’t compare myself to everyone and feel like shit all the time; et cetera.

Kingdom Hearts wouldn’t try to ship its game on nine different platforms; the roleplay on World of Warcraft wouldn’t be limited to veterans who have been doing it for 5-7 years and are completely decked out in awesome, and instead be less intimidating for newcomers; Facebook would pick a decent layout and STICK WITH IT ….

The lists could go on. What would your perfect world be like?

Well … Fuck Him Anyway!

So, today is the first day of February and my mom’s asshat of a boyfriend decided to dump her two weeks before Valentine’s. Ain’t he a prize. Well, here’s to the hope that he won’t wake her up at 4 or 5 in the morning and say “Oh baby I’m so sorry” blah blah blah blah blah.

Needless to say, she is distraught. Here is the playlist of the CD I burned her in case someone out there is also having a shitty February already, or was just single to begin with and would like some cool empowering songs. Included in this post are snippets of lyrics… and I was gonna write some but about halfway through I got burnt out so instead you get the playlist alone and maybe later I’ll give some reasonings. ALSO FEEL FREE TO POST MORE SONGS IN THE COMMENTS, because I discovered a couple of these tonight and I’m super glad I took a chance on ’em.

1.) Bang Bang Bang – Christina Perri
“All my life you know I haven’t been very love strong / There’s been so many fights that I fought and I never won”

2.) Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson
“Here’s the thing, we started out friends / It was cool but it was all pretend”

3.) Over You – Daughtry
“Now that it’s all said and done / I can’t believe you were the one / To build me up and tear me down / Like an old abandoned house”

4.) No Good – Kate Voegele
“I never feared the unexpected/ Until I found myself in this peculiar place”

5.) Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benatar
“Well you’re a real tough cookie with a long history / Of breaking little hearts like the one in me”

6.) Smile – Lily Allen
“When you first left me / I was wanting more / But you were fucking that girl next door / What’d you do that for?”

7.) Number One – Skye Sweetnam
“I saw my boyfriend hanging with this girl that I hate / He didn’t have to tell me why last night he was late”

8.) What Doesn’t Kill You (Stronger) – Kelly Clarkson
“You know the bed feels warmer / Sleeping here alone / You know I dream in color / And do the things I want”

9.) Fuck You – Cee Lo Green
“I see you drivin’ ’round town with the girl I love / and I’m like, fuck you-oo, hoo-hoo-hoo”

10.) So What – P!nk
“So what / I’m still a rock star / I got my rock moves / and I don’t need you / and guess what / I’m having more fun / and now that we’re done / I’m gonna show you tonight”

11.) Gives You Hell – The All American Rejects
“Truth be told I miss you / and truth be told I’m LYIN'”

12.) Sucks To Be You – Danielle Peck
“I tried to love you baby / but I couldn’t make you happy / and it just really shouldn’t be so hard”

13.) Undo It – Carrie Underwood
“You stole my happy / you made me cry / took the lonely and took me for a ride”

Opinions! I hope you like it, I hope she likes it when she listens to it in the morning/at some point tomorrow. Have a good night and hopefully better luck in your love life in the future, lovely readers. Do post your own recommendations!

You think the only people who are people…

… are the people who look and think like you.

I don’t have that much to say tonight. I’m just very sad. People continue to politicize and criticize and review and theorize the Sandy Hook shooting. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I really despise conspiracy theorists. Or at least those really pushy hateful conspiracy theorists who, similarly to extreme vegans, refuse to allow you to peacefully exist if you don’t accept their views and thoughts and feelings. If you disagree, you are a fucking disgrace. According to them, you are filth and you hardly deserve to exist. Especially in my family, this is directed against me in the form of elitism and superiority complexes. I am always wrong and misguided because I am younger and therefore cannot possibly know what I’m talking about.

And the sad thing is that you can’t just let it go with these kinds of people, because they won’t let you. They can’t shove their opinions aside for awhile to maintain decent conversation. I can’t understand it. I really can’t.

I’m sorry. I wish I had more to write about today, but I am at a loss. I’m just so frustrated and sad. This weariness is meaningless. Why do people like to breed stress? Whom does it benefit?

Nobody.

The Stuff!

I got an Alienware. It’s beautiful. I love it so very much. I don’t really have enough words for how much I love it. It is personalized and has my name laser-cut in the plate on the bottom.

I also got a thermal-painted mug from ThinkGeek which I adore, with a pixelated heart on the front. It fills up with red with warm beverage inside. It is wonderful. I also got a Horde wallet and beanie, which are wonderful. I also got demon hunter socks (Diablo 3), two sets of pajamas, too many pairs of socks to count, Guild Wars 2, Minecraft, The Secret World, Saints Row: The Third, and other awesome odds and ends.

Among several other awesome gifts, here are some highlights … Kenny, Natalie and Deanna got their mom a customized photo album, which was really spectacular and well put-together. Kenny and his dad both got brand new gaming keyboards, which are super wonderful (I got to use both before leaving!). Kenny’s dad also got a huge framed version of the family picture they took this year, which Kenny’s mom and I wrapped with the big bag they use to store tissue paper because yay recycling. Kenny received a one-soda-fitting USB refrigerator from ThinkGeek (popular spot for gifts this year). Kenny’s mom got three premium dog beds for her three pups – Muffin, Vivi and Curly. Deanna got an excellent jewelry tree and a mini camera, both of which she adores. Natalie got a neat memory photo board,  and a candle plus a hand-made candle holder Deanna made in pottery class.

For Deanna, I bought an awesome three-tier candle (scents include waterfall, ocean breeze and mountain air). For Kenny’s grandpa, who blesses his grandkids and the overly-fortunate me with creative monetary gifts every year, I got a fluffy dog bed for his beagle Ginger. For Natalie, I got a banana paper notebook because she likes doodling and writing and being green. For their dad, I got a memory-foam premium mouse pad … because it wasn’t dragons or Star Wars-related which are the kinds of presents he gets every year from everyone else! I also got two pairs of holiday towels because their downstairs bathroom is being renovated and Kenny’s mom mentioned being excited about refurnishing and decorating it. Aaaand Kenny’s awesome gift will be reserved for his 18th birthday in May because I completely flopped this year for Christmas, for which I deeply apologized about a million times. I wrapped and ‘gave’ him a super soft and warm blanket his mom had purchased and let me put my name on the nametag for. At least he liked the blanket … but I can’t slack like that!

For my mom, there were four presents. One was a mix CD with happy music on it, customized with music I picked out for her and music she’d been wanting. She uses these CDs in her car because she 1.) can’t plug her old iPod in to the car adapter and 2.) refuses to put much music on her work-paid iPhone. One was an Android action figure that Kenny bought two of from ThinkGeek, the other going to his friend in Web Dev who looooves Android. My mom’s first phone-of-choice, bought shortly before her job paid for her iPhone, was an Android – and although she has come to love her iPhone, she loves the little figure still. One was an orange popsicle magnet from Cleveland’s airport, through which I connected on my homecoming flight. The final present was a Cleveland Browns feminine-fit low-cut shirt which is brown and not orange, because despite graduating from OSU, she insists she looks bad in orange. She loved everything.

I think this Christmas was supremely awesome for everyone.

Happy New Year 2013

So, we survived 2012.

2013 feels weird. I don’t know why yet. I don’t really have any resolutions, because I’ve been becoming a better person over the past year and I’m on a pretty positive path. I have some goals – find a select number of colleges that I wanna apply to and take the SAT twice or thrice, however many times it takes to acquire satisfactory grades – but all of these are months and months away.

I’ve done a little introspection though and decided that I need to focus more. I’m kind of scatterbrained. I create stress for myself over things that aren’t worth worrying about. I don’t relax enough. And Kenny and I seem to have these weird phases where we’re not close enough. I focus more on reading Facebook and catching up on people who matter very little than I focus on spending time with Kenny and hearing about his day and what he’s done, et cetera.

Spending Christmas with him and his family is really a wonderful experience. They’re so  familial and close-knit. Even with their house in semi-ruins (well. . .) they’ll still decorate. They’ll still get up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on Christmas Day to open presents. The togetherness, even if patchy at times, is something so alien to me. And wonderful to be a part of, even for a little while.

This whole year though, I think, has just not been focused enough on what’s important. Not to say that years past (at least for me) ever were anything closer. I think my mom and I have grown a lot closer, even though there’ve certainly been bad patches. I still don’t like her boyfriend and I have my reasons, so I probably won’t, but that’s okay. I can be tolerant, which is all that really matters. I’ve been working on my homework and grades and stuff, but the indifference is creeping on me. Not because I don’t care, but because caring all the time is cumbersome. I don’t sleep enough. Like I said, I don’t give Kenny the attention he deserves. And the saddest part of this, though, is that I don’t really know why I’m acting weird about it. Why aren’t Mom and I getting along all the time? Why aren’t I just doing the homework and moving along? And most important to me, anyway – why am I not giving Kenny the attention and respect and love that he gives me effortlessly?

I don’t know … and that makes me sad. That’s my resolution, I guess. To focus more on what’s important.

Anyway, this is the reflective, philosophic post. Next up is the personal, materially Christmas-oriented post. 🙂

Dad

My dad is really smart on a lot of things. He learns things fairly quickly – albeit he’ll only pay attention to anything to learn things that he deems important – and he’s good at solving problems that require logical and concise thinking. He used to be good at talking about things that interested him or that were important to him, he used to be able to go on for hours.

When I was a tiny child, under four years old, my mom and dad divorced. I have an all-too-vibrant memory of a fight of theirs in the first house I ever lived in. The “house” was really a quadruplex, four two-story houses connected in a line, X-X-X-X. The first floor had a living room and a kitchen, and the stairs were in front of you behind a half-wall as soon as you walked in on your right. The room opened out to the left and there was a wall that closed the living room but pulled back to have a large spatial opening rather than a doorway that led to the kitchen. Our couch was on that back wall of the living room and I was sitting there, crying and screaming, while Mom and Dad were near the front door, screaming even louder than I was. There was hitting and throwing of a telephone involved, I believe. Needless to say, it was a very frightening experience.

When they divorced, Dad moved out and into a temporary house-shack-thing that I never really understood the physics of. Not that I understood the physics of anything back then, but the house-shack was propped up on stilts and had stairs leading up to it even though it was a one-story house with maybe three rooms, four maximum. I visited a few times but mostly stayed with my mom. I only have two memories from being at this house and they are probably of the same night – in which I attempted to emulate Dad shaving his facial hair and I cut my tongue. Yes. Don’t comment on it. I woke up in the middle of the night and sneaked into his bathroom and cut my tongue. … Yeah. The other memory is navy blue bedding which I think wasn’t even on a real mattress but an air mattress and sleeping.

The house-shack didn’t last long, though, because Dad decided to move to Florida to be with a woman who Mom (and later I) suspected he had met long before he actually moved. Her name was Denise and he eventually moved her and her three daughters to Arlington, Texas, in a city over from where my mother and I had moved for her new full-time job at the Star Telegram. This spanned through my kindergarten years until approximately fifth or sixth grade. In kindergarten through third grade, I lived primarily with my dad at his house in Arlington. I spent odd days with my mom because she had odd days off – Wednesday and Thursday. Mom lived in an apartment complex then, and I didn’t know anyone there. Most of my time there was spent on a chair on top of several boxes near the window in what would have become ‘my’ room, with a radio plugged in somewhere near me. I would spend a lot of time there looking out the window and listening to radio stations, or reading. I read a lot more back then than I do now.

By fourth grade, things changed. Mom had a serious boyfriend named Mike (interestingly, the same name of my father, but very different in every way) and she and I both moved into his tiny but comfortable home, and Dad and Denise (despite having gotten married) were growing tense because of Dad’s inability to get (and subsequently keep) a job. And things continued to change, and change and warp and melt until I got here in Connecticut. I might write another post on that story, but today’s post is about my dad.

When I lived with him and his second wife, Denise (more often “Neesi”), I really looked up to my dad. He and I are both absolute computer nerds. I loved to explore the computer on my own and learn things, not needing to be told how to use it or where to go or what to do – but I also loved when he taught me special things, like we once coded a simple number guessing game together. He showed me a lot of old computer games that I adore today, most memorably The Longest Journey, King’s Quest, and Sam & Max Hit the Road and least memorably several different children’s games he’d gotten just for me. I liked to watch movies with him and spend time in his room because it was special.

The next time I lived with my dad was between the end of sixth grade through the first half of my eighth grade year. This was completely different than how he was before, and it’s how he still is now: Distant, indifferent, self-absorbed, disinterested. He knows he is my father and wants me to spend time with him … he just doesn’t want to spend time with me. Conflicting, isn’t it? He agrees.

I’ve lived with my mother since the middle of eighth grade and I’m now a junior in high school and I’ll probably graduate here. Dad often berates me when vacations are coming up to come see him. I usually decline and visit my boyfriend’s family in North Carolina instead. (This always feels tricky to explain to people.) This last summer, I spent a week in Louisiana, figuring that I was visiting at all and he should be happy about that fact.

He didn’t listen to me about my anxiety problems I developed (for that matter, neither did his father, who I also spent a week with much later in the summer while Kenny’s family was at the beach on their “family-only” beach trip). He didn’t spend a lot of time with me at all; he preferred to play his UFC game. Furthermore, he’d actually get envious and irritated when I wanted to spend time with my grandma, who was mentally far more energetic and interested in me as a person but physically slightly less capable to go out and about and do things.

What am I even supposed to do with that?

It makes me really sad, to be completely honest. He’s a smart guy. He just doesn’t have a lot of knowledge on how to talk to people. He doesn’t really seem to see me as a real person anymore. He can’t hold a conversation with me because he thinks that I won’t listen, or that he’ll be 100% unable to make me think about his point of view – when in reality, it’s him who is closed-minded, and that’s why he’s so terrible about having a conversation or a debate about anything.

Despite how angry he makes me sometimes and despite his complete lack of skill for caring or empathy or, like, forming (and keeping) relationships in general, I will always love my dad. He isn’t a bad guy and I’ve never thought of him that way. Because he disagrees with me so often, he thinks I have a low opinion of him, which is not nor has it ever been true. I just hope that one day he opens up more to me and stops being such a concrete wall.