Too emotional, too oblivious.

If I even have any solid readers, it’s probably not news to any of you that I’m a hugely sensitive person. And if it is … well, you learn something new every day.

It’s probably also not news that I live in Connecticut and I don’t like it here, and although I’ve moved several times before, I’ve never had as much trouble making friends as I’ve had here.

I wrote a poem about this last year that kind of explained what I theorized was the majority of my take on the situation and where I delegated the BS factors of it all, but today I rediscovered another one and it sucks. And the thing is that by high school, most people already have close-knit friends and don’t really need any more. Even if you treat them like family, you do not come before their best friends. You just can’t edge your way in.

But that’s not really the thing, actually, that’s a specific tangent and I apologize. The thing is that people are completely unaware of the effects of the things they say to people and it can often hurt whether or not they seem to realize it. ._.

So, I realize that I’m a little more emotional than most, but the complete and total lack of consideration for people’s feelings that I get from some people is a reality check for me sometimes, like throwing a baseball at a window. (Accidentally, they all say.) Shards of glass hurt whether they’re intentionally falling or not, though.


Incredible rant

Dear god, what an awful day. First: It’s Friday, and I’m home sick because this morning and last night I felt like absolute shit. I was very stressed and emotionally … emotionally, just fucked. However, I had three quizzes today plus a project due that I can’t email easily.

For the next two weeks I, as a sophomore, am required to do CAPT testing which is Connecticut’s version of TAKS testing for Texas or EOG’s and EOC’s for North Carolina; I’m sure you all have or remember those terrible standardized assessments that were just God-awful. And I don’t even say that as I’m a non-religious person. In case any of you don’t know, I’m referring to multiple-choice and open-answered assessments required by the state in the US for students to take and pass. The abbreviations are as follows in the order they appear above: Connecticut Academic Performance Test, Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skill, End of Grade and End of Course. These are the three variants of tests I’ve taken in the three various states I’ve lived in for middle school and high school. I can honestly say that they are all the exact same category of tests … just different names.

This means that the school schedule will become hectic and making up those quizzes will be difficult. Not to mention that I was not even really prepared for 2 of the 3 quizzes that I was responsible for today. I have homework that I need to make up in addition to whatever was likely given today. I have a lab report I need to write.

Put simply, I am stressed.

It’s 12:30 now, half past noon. The past half hour has been taken up with showering and writing this blog. This morning was composed of sleep and reading the blog of an artist of a webcomic I have long been a fan of. In other words … Nearly nothing.

Have you ever been okay with a somewhat shitty situation until you saw something – anything, it could be other people, an object, a photo of a place or seeing yourself in the mirror – and just … started thinking about how much your situation sucks?

Not only do I feel uncomfortable writing about the murky details of it but suffice to say that I hate Connecticut and all of its inhabitants, is the general summary. It is a wicked place and I mean that in the literal sense of the word rather than its adapted form, a synonym for ‘very’ that I’d never heard in real life until moving here.

Have you ever tried to reform yourself by quitting bad habits cold-turkey and had a wonderful and rewarding streak of success … only to fall for ONE day and be completely demoralized? How do you recuperate from that horrible feeling?

Freshman year, I was kind of a bad student. Not the obnoxiously loud and talkative kind. But the kind who never had their homework in because they simply couldn’t be arsed to do it. My grades weren’t terrible, but it was apparent that effort was just minimal. This year, I’ve been trying very avidly to pick my grades up and keep them up and do all my homework and pour just … so much more effort into school. I have become interested in colleges and getting into where I want to be. Just.. almost a 180 turn around.
But … Yesterday. I don’t know what happened. Time flew without anything being done and I just … I just don’t know what happened. It was a mess. Headaches and stress and fear and just everything builds up.

I was going to rant a lot more but writing it all out makes it harder to focus on and cope with in a rational and reasonable way of thinking, so I am going to go ahead and call it quits for now. I promise to keep up with the blog more frequently. I know this on-and-off thing is annoying; it annoys me too, I have great ideas and no time or all the time in the world with no idea what to type.

Here’s hoping you guys are having a better time than I am.