The days of yore.

But first, an unrelated story about today.

My first period class today was a design class. It’s an elective in high school which  means the majority of people are taking it for an easy credit and not because they have any kind of interest in design. I’m not one of those people. I sit with a friend of mine, a fellow senior who I have worked with for the past year and a half or so on our school newspaper, and today our new project was to cut a bunch of shapes out. We’re imitating Henri Matisse, I believe his name is. In any event, in the scrap box, there were copies of a 2002 edition of our newspaper. I took two, not actually realizing that they were OUR newspaper, just thought I’d have fun with newsprint as I am a budding journalist. (Don’t tell Mom that!) While talking, we came up with the idea to have a group of us go to the movies once a month or so and come up with blurb-like reviews of the movie. That way, when Deadline Day came, we’d have a variety of movies reviewed by a variety of people. Boost our social lives, strengthen our bonds, etc, etc. Our editor in chief loved it, a couple of other members heard it and adored it…

… Then I get home and feeling distraught for other reasons already, a member who was present when I discussed the idea with our editor (and loved it then, might I add?) texts me and tells me that two people who’ve never been interested in joining newspaper wanna do a movie and TV column. Oh … okay.

And our editor in chief doesn’t seem to care. Oh well. I went for it.

 

Moving on, I thought (for some reason I can’t recall now) about when I was younger and had more friends. There used to be a girl who lived next door to me named Ashlyn. She sprouted my social life, really. I’d had sleepovers before, but that was nothing. She took me to the skating rink on a Friday night and we didn’t get home until eleven or midnight. We went almost every weekend. I used to go to Central Market on Thursday and Friday nights; there was live music and organic food and classic sodas and all of those things were fantastic, and I didn’t stop going completely. But Rollerland West had skating, Monster Energy and dozens of people my age. And I stayed out late. It was a beautiful time. In a couple of months I stopped using baby skates and learned to inline – to really rollerblade. It was a great feeling.

Newspaper is my only honest source of social interaction aside from my boyfriend, who I love dearly and enjoy spending time with but … one notices the absence of others. I was hoping this would be a fun way to hang out with people. Shot down, I am discouraged. So easily negated from a friend who I thought enjoyed the idea as well as I did, I am not exactly the assertive type to fight for my position.

This post is equally strong feelings about missing having friends to do stuff with and about the feeling of rushing around the rink, over and over again, drinking too much Monster and getting nervous about talking to the cute boy, singing in your head or at the top of your lungs as loud as you could manage to every song you knew.

You read the paper or the e-paper and you hear about these kids partying or doing something crazy or stupid and you wonder why they do it, and some of them say they love the rush. Monster’s not healthy for you, but oh, what it did for me. I miss everything. But it’s good to remember, anyway.

It’s not fair.

Today was such a great day. So many awesome things were done and I even was nice to Douche-Boyfriend, and then he goes and depresses my mom again. Can you please fucking stop it? We were having a perfectly great day.

Then he was shitty, and then later on our dryer broke, and I’m having a hell of a time trying to write this dumb paper. Everything is very frustrating. I wish it would do me a favor and stop.

 

We deserve happiness … why is it so hard to achieve for us?

 

I hope everyone out there is having a better weekend …

Too emotional, too oblivious.

If I even have any solid readers, it’s probably not news to any of you that I’m a hugely sensitive person. And if it is … well, you learn something new every day.

It’s probably also not news that I live in Connecticut and I don’t like it here, and although I’ve moved several times before, I’ve never had as much trouble making friends as I’ve had here.

I wrote a poem about this last year that kind of explained what I theorized was the majority of my take on the situation and where I delegated the BS factors of it all, but today I rediscovered another one and it sucks. And the thing is that by high school, most people already have close-knit friends and don’t really need any more. Even if you treat them like family, you do not come before their best friends. You just can’t edge your way in.

But that’s not really the thing, actually, that’s a specific tangent and I apologize. The thing is that people are completely unaware of the effects of the things they say to people and it can often hurt whether or not they seem to realize it. ._.

So, I realize that I’m a little more emotional than most, but the complete and total lack of consideration for people’s feelings that I get from some people is a reality check for me sometimes, like throwing a baseball at a window. (Accidentally, they all say.) Shards of glass hurt whether they’re intentionally falling or not, though.

Summer came and went.

It’s 10:27 pm and I should be trying to sleep or at least reading because I’m supposed to have read three books this summer for AP English IV, and I’ve read one and haven’t even chosen a third and this is all due by next Friday; and sleeping because tomorrow is my boyfriend’s first day of school and he has to get up ridiculously early to attend with his mom the preparation of the senior breakfast/parade/thing. Lucky, we don’t get a parade.

I’ve totally abandoned this blog over the summer, which I sorely regret. There’ve been a lot of things worth documenting and I haven’t done any of it.

I left for Raleigh on the first of July, the day after the boyfriend’s family returned from the Bahamas. That wasn’t originally our choice date, by the way; that ended up happening because the prices were cheaper for airline tickets. We didn’t do a lot the first couple weeks; we played some games, watched some TV, wrestled around a bit and were lectured about college visits and thoughts and such things. Uncharacteristically of our summers, we did very little cooking or crafting. We did some, sure, but not a whole heck of a lot in comparison to the past couple summers.

So what did we do? We took an unofficial tour of North Carolina State University with the boyfriend’s eldest cousin and an official tour of the University of North Carolina at Charlotte (not even close to each other in date), we swam quite a bit at the general pool and not much at all on the working-week-long beach trip, we stayed up late hours to discuss history and philosophy and several other things besides.

In the last week, I panicked and decided to make crazy quick craft progress. I made a yellow pig log pillow (it is the best thing ever, perhaps there will be a picture in a later post), a popsicle-shaped phone case (ditto on the picture), and a no-sew iron-on senior-themed canvas bag.

We had an airport fiasco in which my first of two flights was so heavily delayed (and confusedly so – first it was delayed, then on time, then early, then delayed again …) that I was sure to miss my connecting flight in Dulles, and so I stayed another night than originally planned and left much earlier in the morning than I’d have liked. The boyfriend and I were allowed to snuggle together (under different covers!!!) in the same bed that night, and it was the best sleep I had the whole summer.

That was on Thursday night and Friday morning. Now it’s Sunday night, the boyfriend starts school tomorrow and I on Thursday. We’ll be seniors in high school and we’re going to start looking at applying for colleges as soon as September starts. We’re looking to apply to all of our schools early so that we improve our chances of getting in.

It’s been a good couple of months … and of course, they felt too short. But believe it or not, I’m feeling pretty okay about it. Confident, I might even say.

 

… Of course, it remains to be seen how long this feeling will last. Good luck to all the other rising seniors out there, and to all the other high school students and college freshmen too.

Boyfriend’s in the Bahamas.

Which, at least, I know – thanks to awesome websites that track plane statuses. I’m surprised, you know – even in New York, you can snag some free Wi-Fi from unsuspecting patrons of charity but I guess on Paradise Island they have a better grip on what little they can get their hands on. Fair enough, I suppose.

Today, I have:

  • Showered.
  • Watched more than half of the first season of Mad Men on Netflix.
  • Did the mountain of dishes in the sink into the washing machine.
  • Attacked a brownie pan we’ve been nonchalantly ignoring.
  • Cleaned the stove top.
  • Cleaned the toilet. (Not together!)
  • Took out every bag of trash in the house – except for the main one, because I took it out two days ago and it’s not even halfway full.
  • Dragged the trash can up to the curb.
  • Put away some school- and winter-related things in my room (yeah, I’m disorganized and a little behind).
  • Texted “friends” sadly and, you know, got nothing.am.
  • Walked around the house about sixteen times back and forth and around, moping.

Anxiety is a gross, disgusting thing. But I’ve done all that and he’s only left this morning. He doesn’t come back until Sunday; what exactly am I supposed to do with myself? I don’t have a lot of motivation, really – the only reason I did any housework was to keep myself busy and to calm the stomach. Honestly, the mental turmoil and the physical, literal sickness are both pretty bad if I let them steam.

God, at the rate I’m going, I’m almost missing school already. What am I supposed to do with all this time!

How is everyone else’s summer going?

Wrapping up the school year.

What a wild ride it’s been this year.

Last year, my guidance counselor told us that junior year was the most important. That’s when, colleges say, you are at your most mature – you are aware of the way high school works and how to act and that you need to be working and not slacking, and you’re not tainted by senioritis yet, et cetera. They get a feel for you.

This year sums me up pretty well, I think. I took Creative Writing, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life, and had three (so far) opportunities to share my writing in front of an audience. I skipped out on history, which was nice. I ran my best mile of my high school career (and can’t we just skip out on gym next year, too?) and I participated in the school newspaper for the entire year. Today, in fact, I earned a promotion for the newspaper for next year, a title I’m ecstatic to have. I also took Sociology this year, which was a fun and interesting course.

I took the AP Psychology and English Language & Composition exams in May, and I felt pretty confident in both of them. I liked all the essays I wrote for English and I very much felt the benefits from all the studying I did for Psychology, which was rewarding.

On the other hand, I’ve had a bit of a battle with depression and anxiety and an (squeamish men skip over the next few words) ovarian cyst, which was really shitty to deal with but eventually went away on its own. Anxiety used to only occur during air-travel time, but it’s been getting worse the past year – although not really bad enough that it deserves treatment, only that it’s been more noticeable that I have such a problem. (Also, if you’d like to read a poem I wrote about airline anxiety, click here!)  Depression has … fluctuated. Nothing unmanageable, though.

I’ve been thinking about colleges, too – and while I was looking at prestigious schools like RIT and USC for awhile, I’ve come to the basic conclusion that there are two places that are good at computer science where I would be happy: University of Texas at Austin and North Carolina State University. Texas, of course, will be my priority; but it would be nice to be in North Carolina for awhile, too.

Speaking of college, another noteworthy thing is that I’ve asked for my letters of recommendation … I have requested three and I might still need another one, because certain computer science things require one from a math or science teacher; which, of course, usually don’t hold me in the highest favors. Darn! The three I’ve asked for are from my AP English Language & Composition teacher, my Creative Writing teacher, and a teacher I had freshman and sophomore year, first for World History and then for Geography & Culture of Latin America and Africa.

Which brings me to – because of my request for letters of recommendation (which according to the schools I want to attend, I might not even need … sigh), I wrote my first resume. It looks pretty awesome, but it’s also fairly brief. It includes the Skyrim mod I made, plus how I taught myself HTML via W3 schools … and a bunch of other odd things.

The summer is quickly approaching, and so are my plans for it. I’m leaving for North Carolina on July 1st and I am counting down the days and making lists of things I want to do. Swim and cook and bake and play games and a million more. As for now, though, I’m  worn out. I apologize for the lack of writing lately and sincerely hope to write more in the summer, just as I did with the birth of this blog.

Where did April go?

What a busy time it’s been for me.

I took both of my AP exams last week. They were tiresome, but I feel pretty confident about both of them. I took the Psychology and English Language & Composition exams.

A couple of weeks before that, I made my own mod on Steam.

Last night, I decided (for some ungodly reason) to download Illustrator from my Adobe Creative Cloud pack and made a deviantART account. This afternoon I installed my Wacom Bamboo tablet onto my shiny Alienware.

A lot of the rest of the time has been filled in with finding and making up missed homework assignments and quizzes and offside conversations and roleplaying in World of Warcraft, woo! And some Minecraft, just for good measure.

Mother’s Day didn’t go so well; it never does, because my mom doesn’t really like Mother’s Day. I made her a card anyway, though. I tried to PhotoShop a card that looked like a legitimate card, which was fun.

I don’t have a lot else to say. This post is really just a bookmark saying “hey, I’m still here!” So that’s what’s been up, largely.