Need to vent.

Maybe my mother is right and I’m some unappreciative bitch but whatever, I need to vent and I have no friends so here I am. If you’re gonna be like everyone else and tell me I don’t get to do that, fuck off, you’re on my blog.

I spent almost all of the summer away from home, first visiting my dad in New Orleans and then visiting both friends and family in North Carolina. I’ve been home less than two and a half fucking days after tweeting my mother about how upset she is and how mean all of her friends on Twitter are being when they aren’t and how much she misses me. And already she’s pissed off at me for absolutely no god damn motherfucking reason.

She wants me to watch the stupid opening ceremonies for the Olympics which I could absolutely not care less about because I’ve seen the majority of them already (or more than I care to, anyway) and simply don’t care about whatever was in them.

I was listening to music and asked her if I could finish the song and she said okay, went to the bathroom and came back. There was a slow part in the song where it slowed down and picked back up and she freaked the fuck out and said “Why are you being so mean to me” “I just want to watch this” etc etc etc.

Earlier she was having random spasms of being okay and grumpiness and monotone voices and every time the latter happened I would ask her what’s wrong, what happened, etc. She didn’t answer and would get pissy with me for continuing so I would stop. And eventually I told her, you know, stop thinking that I don’t care about you because you have your periods of time where you freak out over nothing and tell me that I don’t care about you and that I’m so selfish when I’m NOT and I DO care about you. And she said I know, I know, blah blah blah. And then she goes and does this anyway.

I had a feeling today would be shitty, just like Kenny had a feeling yesterday would be good. And it was, which is fucking great because this would be even worse if yesterday had been awful too.

But seriously? I did nothing. In fact, I did less than nothing, because all day I’ve been trying to cheer her up.

When she freaked out I closed the song because she was so pissy and started watching the ceremony crap and told me to look at something while I was typing something to Kenny and I looked up, not saying anything because she was still speaking. And again. She flipped the hell out and said “I just thought this was cool and you might like it”  and attacking me for not letting her do anything she wants to do.

Even though we’ve watched soccer all day long because she likes it and I haven’t been watching TV all day.

And then she goes outside periodically (often) throughout the day because she smokes outside and does that a lot. And I’ll go outside with her because she wants to talk to me which we don’t really do when we’re both doing our thing on the computer.

And then she’ll just sit on her goddamn iPhone 4 or whatever that her work paid for that’s top of the notch and everything and read Twitter.

When she asked me to go outside with her.

 

And I just got back from Kenny’s house, Kenny who has a younger and older sister and both a mother and a father who love him and whose parents don’t waste their money on drinking and cigarettes and who does shit with their family and who all have bedrooms and shit. And it’s like why the hell can’t I have a family like that? What the hell have I done that means I have to have a life like this? Why can’t I have normal parents?

Or even be a normal person myself for that fucking matter. My anxiety was even worse when I was leaving North Carolina this time. I vomited four days before leaving and had recurring stomach pain every night until I left and vomited five times the night before and morning of my departure which is record high. That’s too much information for strangers but I don’t give a damn because I need someone to vent to and have no goddamn friends to talk to.

Not to mention that, even! I have to go to school next Thursday as a junior and have a whole new fucking set of problems to deal with. Wonderful! I’m so motherfucking excited for my new school year to just go SO FABULOUSLY!

 

Needless to say it’s a bad night. I hope y’alls is going better.

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3 thoughts on “Need to vent.

  1. I’m really sorry… your story is enthralling and I had to read the whole thing. I was waiting for a reason for why your mom was acting the way she was, but it never came. I would do my best to not follow her example, and just be yourself. I know that it’s extremely difficult to stand up for yourself, but in little ways, you may be able to.

    I really hope your life gets better, you sound like a great person. Try to stay positive, all pain is temporary.

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