Death and Loss

How do you deal with it?

When I was in fourth grade I had a friend I’d made online. He was the first person I ever fell in love with. He was six years older than me, but that never mattered. We never talked about anything ‘inappropriate’ or whatever. His name was Conner, and he was the brother of a long-time friend I’d had on the same website. We met because she was in the hospital and he notified me as soon as possible because I was at the top of her friends list. I followed him around because I wanted to know about her, but we kept talking. And talking and talking. And we became really close, and he was the first boy I ever fell in love with. He meant the world to me.

Unfortunately, I’m not a very smart person, or at least I wasn’t back then. Our first fight was our only fight … and last conversation. He came online one day distant and upset. After a little bit of small talk I asked what was wrong and he told me that a friend had told him to be wary and cautious of online relationships because often, the person on the other side is having a real different life than the one she talks about online. I was shocked he doubted me… He asked me if I really loved him and I said, “What do you think? You really have to ask me that?” A while of this and he got tired of it. I was too proud and stubborn to just tell him that I loved him.

He logged off and left. He left his house. He went to live at a friend’s house. We never talked again directly. I heard through his sister how he was doing … I begged her to tell him that I did love him, that I missed him, that I wanted desperately to talk to him … nothing worked. He wouldn’t come home.

When we were still talking, he had a terrible accident when they were moving. He was carrying a cooler out to the car and he slipped on the step and fell, making the cooler fly up and land on his head. After being rushed to the hospital he was there for a night or two, maybe longer, the details are fuzzy by now … He had minor amnesia, things like passwords and birthdays and the like. Thankfully … he hadn’t forgotten me. But a year after that … he’d stopped talking to me and all … He was at the house of his friend where he’d been staying. They were playing basketball. His friend accidentally hit him in the head, where Conner … fainted. Passed out. Hit the ground. He was once again taken to the hospital, but this time he didn’t leave. The brain damage had left a lasting effect and the additional trauma of the basketball and the concrete kicked it back in. He could do nothing. He was a vegetable in essence. On June 26th 2007, his mother voted to pull the plug. And it was done.

I didn’t think it was any more possible for my heart to break any more than it had when he had logged off on that terrible day. But sure enough, I cried nonstop for a long time, and every night for at least a month.

When I had to stop crying, I pretended that he would snuggle me in bed and help me sleep. I couldn’t have slept at all had it not been for that. I’d never met him or even heard his voice on the phone. But I loved him. I pray (and I am not a religious person) every day indirectly or directly that he’s watching over me, taking care of me. I miss him every day.

I still can’t come to terms with it. One of the worst parts about it now is that I have his sister added on Facebook … but we never talk. She doesn’t want to remember … I don’t blame her, but it hurts so much more to go through this alone. Especially since I know her … it’s just awful.

That’s all I’ve really got that I want to share.

Good night, Happy Halloween, and a good weekend to all.

One thought on “Death and Loss

  1. I just read your post and wanted to let you know that what you are going through is very normal. Your heart was really broken and it needs time to heal. I’m a counselor and I work with grief in my practice. It is so painful and it can take a very long time to get used to the loss. My grief counselor told me that when someone you love join a club that you never knew existed. There are lots of us who struggle like you are. Stop by my blog if you like.

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