Death and Loss

How do you deal with it?

When I was in fourth grade I had a friend I’d made online. He was the first person I ever fell in love with. He was six years older than me, but that never mattered. We never talked about anything ‘inappropriate’ or whatever. His name was Conner, and he was the brother of a long-time friend I’d had on the same website. We met because she was in the hospital and he notified me as soon as possible because I was at the top of her friends list. I followed him around because I wanted to know about her, but we kept talking. And talking and talking. And we became really close, and he was the first boy I ever fell in love with. He meant the world to me.

Unfortunately, I’m not a very smart person, or at least I wasn’t back then. Our first fight was our only fight … and last conversation. He came online one day distant and upset. After a little bit of small talk I asked what was wrong and he told me that a friend had told him to be wary and cautious of online relationships because often, the person on the other side is having a real different life than the one she talks about online. I was shocked he doubted me… He asked me if I really loved him and I said, “What do you think? You really have to ask me that?” A while of this and he got tired of it. I was too proud and stubborn to just tell him that I loved him.

He logged off and left. He left his house. He went to live at a friend’s house. We never talked again directly. I heard through his sister how he was doing … I begged her to tell him that I did love him, that I missed him, that I wanted desperately to talk to him … nothing worked. He wouldn’t come home.

When we were still talking, he had a terrible accident when they were moving. He was carrying a cooler out to the car and he slipped on the step and fell, making the cooler fly up and land on his head. After being rushed to the hospital he was there for a night or two, maybe longer, the details are fuzzy by now … He had minor amnesia, things like passwords and birthdays and the like. Thankfully … he hadn’t forgotten me. But a year after that … he’d stopped talking to me and all … He was at the house of his friend where he’d been staying. They were playing basketball. His friend accidentally hit him in the head, where Conner … fainted. Passed out. Hit the ground. He was once again taken to the hospital, but this time he didn’t leave. The brain damage had left a lasting effect and the additional trauma of the basketball and the concrete kicked it back in. He could do nothing. He was a vegetable in essence. On June 26th 2007, his mother voted to pull the plug. And it was done.

I didn’t think it was any more possible for my heart to break any more than it had when he had logged off on that terrible day. But sure enough, I cried nonstop for a long time, and every night for at least a month.

When I had to stop crying, I pretended that he would snuggle me in bed and help me sleep. I couldn’t have slept at all had it not been for that. I’d never met him or even heard his voice on the phone. But I loved him. I pray (and I am not a religious person) every day indirectly or directly that he’s watching over me, taking care of me. I miss him every day.

I still can’t come to terms with it. One of the worst parts about it now is that I have his sister added on Facebook … but we never talk. She doesn’t want to remember … I don’t blame her, but it hurts so much more to go through this alone. Especially since I know her … it’s just awful.

That’s all I’ve really got that I want to share.

Good night, Happy Halloween, and a good weekend to all.


Saturday Six + More

First with the Saturday Six as my scatterbrained skull cannot function well enough to write freely yet.

1.) Which is your favorite color?

Blue! I like all kinds of blue. Crayola, you’ve got me on that one. Cornflower blue, cerulean, navy blue, every kind of blue is just awesome. I love it.

2.) Which specific shade of that color is your favorite?

Tough, but I’m going to have to make a decision and pick Cornflower blue, because I remember using that one the most often. A very soft but pretty color.

3.) Which color is your least favorite? 

That one’s hard to say. I suppose brown, although honestly I like a lot of colors and there are always times when one is more appropriate than others.

4.) What do you most associate with your least favorite color?

I suppose that one isn’t hard, eh?

5.) Take the test … 

So I was supposed to take the “What Color Crayon Are You?” quiz, but the link was broken on the website. So I’m going to say I was some awesome shade of BLUE!

6.) Consider your favorite food (not including meat): What is its primary color? 

Well shit, bacon is the first thing that came to mind, but that’s meat. So probably chocolate which is ironically … brown.

So that’s the Saturday Six by Patrick Phillips. It’s been a long time since I’ve done one of his memes.

Anyway, I’m really loopy. Yesterday, I slept. Then I slept some more. And I just kept on sleepin’ and sleepin’. Then I woke up today at 7:12 to actually get up. And have been up for exactly two hours, haha, wow.

I should be doing homework, but I have absolutely no taste for it. Last … let’s see, Thursday it was, I was doing history homework all damn day after school at the expense of English and Geometry homeworks which I was able to complete most of both the following morning before school but STILL as I got to history on Friday (yesterday) afternoon she just had to signify how it was still not good enough. Wonderful!

I’m probably going to spend a lot of today on WoW and then tomorrow cramming in fucktons of homework. Not to mention throwing in that planning for that novel I’m going to attempt to write next month? Oh yeah, that’ll go so super well. Definitely excited. Attempting to remain optimistic can be more difficult than it ought to be sometimes.

So, too bitter at this hour to post about anything. Sore ankles from gym yesterday because of asses in the class. Meow.

Off to a weekend of mythical worlds and homework and writing frequently. Au revior world!

Couldn’t be sorrier if I tried.

I’m doing well. Researching and planning and taking notes and things for Nano. Very sleepy. Catching up on schoolwork too, or keeping myself on top of it. Either way you look at it. Ooh, it’s been such a long day, with such a rollercoaster of emotion that I just.. no. Can’t. I hope you don’t despise this blog for the lack of commentary. I miss you lovely loyal readers forever. Pray that I don’t lose my sanity next month.

What A Fantastic Day!

Seriously, I don’t even know what was up with today but it was just a really wonderful day. I’m very pleased and optimistic about tomorrow as well.

This week at my school is Spirit Week, which is a truly awful job on Student Council’s part considering this is a four-day week courtesy of Columbus Day today. Tomorrow, Tuesday, is college spirit day. So at Champ’s … sporting goods store, or whatever it’s called, I don’t know because I don’t go to these things on a normal basis … ANYWAY I GOT A LONGHORNS SHIRT! 😀 Two of them actually, because a t-shirt was $18 and they had a sale of 2 for $25. So what a no-brainer, eh? 😛 One of ’em’s burnt orange with UT and Longhorns and “Texas Football” on it. That’s the one I’m wearing tomorrow. The other is a black shirt that if I’m not mistaken says “Texas Longhorns” but don’t hold me to that because I bought it many many hours ago.

Wednesday is tie-day day. That one’s fairly obvious. Wear something pretty and colorful. I don’t actually have anything for this, for some reason I have no tie-dye anything. If nothing comes through for this one I may just wear a bunch of randomly colored things or perhaps lots of rainbow. I don’t know, we’ll see how it plays out.

Then Thursday is that whole “Blast from the Past” ordeal where they want you to dress up from the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, etc etc etc etc. I’m going to wear flared denim jeans and my mom’s black-and-white  polka-dotted long, flow-y poncho-like shirt and a headband I bought from Claire’s today that’s black and has cute little colorful peace signs on it.

Friday is the day for actual school spirit and to wear our school’s colors of maroon and white. I don’t really have anything for that either. But at least I’m happy about the ones I am decidedly dressing up for. 🙂

Other than that, what else did we do today … oh yeah, I actually did some homework! I completed a three-page double-spaced paper on the novel Of Mice and Men. Not only did I complete the paper but I’m fairly proud of it, feel like I did a rather good job. I hate my English class this year though because I usually have a great connection with my English teachers. Even last year, when I loved my teacher but didn’t feel like she was actually successful as a teacher, she and I still got along on friendly terms. With my teacher this year, she’s super great and friendly when she’s talking to the class but whenever I speak TO HER it feels like she is impatient, waiting to get to something else … always wanting to do anything but talk to me.  I don’t know, it’s really depressing. The one benefit it has is an extra pressure on me to feel like I should work harder in a desperate attempt to make her like me more.

After we left the mall today (totally skipping around anachronistically [is that a word?] here..) Mom and I went to Panera. Mmm, Panera. Bread. I love bread. Bread is so great. I could live a perfectly wonderful life on bread and nothing else. I really wanna bake bread one day. Wouldn’t that be fun? Anyway, I need to stop blabbering about bread.

I’m getting really tired, and a little bit frustrated and the mood’s being tampered with a little bit and my whole thought process is just getting a little bit wacky. So I promise to post tomorrow, and I have this wonderful post that’s all thoughtful and lovely that I started last night but got halted by the same thing that’s affecting me right now – aka, completely random and utterly thorough tiredness … yeah. I’m going to go now before I’m completely unable to solidify a strong sentence.

Blogging for Blogging’s Sake

I’m such a terrible procrastinator, it’s depressing.

The wonderful thing is that I’ve got tomorrow off for Columbus day. This is good because I’ve got a paper due on Tuesday, 2-3 pages, that I haven’t written past the introduction paragraph. Not to mention whatever the hell’s been assigned for Geometry.

Then I have the PSAT testing on Wednesday which is just fabulous because that means I will be missing both Psychology and Spanish. That means I get to go straight from PSATs to Choir, where the teacher is uptight this year and we usually are forced off into sectionals which suck because the people that lead the Soprano section are absolute bitches with sticks up their asses.

I’m not bitter, though.

Mom and I were supposed to make cookies today but I don’t think she’ll hold on to that because she’s on the phone with some dumbass in New York despite the fact he’s married and she’s been on the phone for a long time which is not only creepy but creepy for HER, as she’s one who doesn’t DO things like call random guys that she doesn’t know. Whatever. Very annoying.

Today, I watched a documentary on the history of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell followed by It’s Kind Of A Funny Story which is a wonderful movie and an even better book. I’d read the book awhile back but I’d never seen the movie until today.

I have this really disgusting feeling like I’m tired, except I’m not. It’s kind of a groggy and indifferent-except-pissed-off-at-everything sort of feeling. I don’t know, that’s a terrible description, I’m aware. But that’s how I feel. I want to start going to a counselor and I asked Mom to call but she refuses when I actually ask her to. The only times she’s ever offered to do it on her own are when we’re actually talking peacefully and I’m enjoying it. It’s fucking terrible. But she’ll call a strange man in New York she’s never met.

I have really got to stop bitching about that stupid ordeal.

Here comes the tired part of this awful mood. I’m like physically exhausted, and hot, and gross. But I’ve already showered today and really don’t want to again. So I turn the A/C on except it’s too cold. Fuck, man. What’s with me? Is this some sort of weird bipolar-temperature sickness? I dunno. My mom’s been sick for awhile now but refuses to get anything heavier duty than fucking Aspirin. I suppose it’s not even unlikely that she’s got me sick, but.. huh. I dunno.

I’m making myself write because I’m disgusted with how little I’ve been writing when I SAID I would write every day. It used to come so easily and now the days just evaporate without having any time devoted to writing. And the things I write are so short. This here up until this point is just 484 words. And next month I’m expecting myself to be able to write 1667 words per day? Oh yes, that’ll happen.

Although, I’ve got an alternative idea that may just work out. No details, because I KNOW the one person that really reads this is going to ask -_- But it’s something I know would make the mark and something I might could feel comfortable with writing. We’ll see how it goes up until then.

Yeah I’m sorry but I can’t keep myself writing anymore, this is just depressing. Perhaps I’ll write later dare I tempt Fate that I just might find inspiration, but I don’t think it’ll happen. With less than 600 words … Adieu, WordPress.

A Series of Events, Fortunate and Not So Much


I’m going to get the sad stuff out of the way first so that I may release it and be done with the constant reminded sorrow that I keep feeling.

A very important figure from our modern world has passed on. Yes… Steve Jobs, at 56 years old, has died. Jeesh, I still don’t think I can register it yet. It’s so weird. He battled it for so long and lived for so much longer than expected that to believe he’s gone feels completely… weird. He contributed so much to the world, through Apple and Pixar both. He was such a positive and open-minded man. It’s very sad to lose such a progressive man in this day and age. But, I really feel uncomfortable talking about this because it depresses me, and there are many more a speech than the few words I could say. All I know is, Mr. Jobs, wherever your spirit is, I hope you can see all of the memorials and how much your absence is affecting the world. We’ll miss you more than words can tell.

Now… moving on, before  I get ridiculously depressed again.

The first choral concert of the year was last night and everyone did fantastically. A lot of the important seniors from last year that helped turn us into better singers showed up and it was very sweet. And the soloists, of which there were quite a few, all shone like stars. I was really starstruck by them all. They’ve kind of given me confidence to try out for future solos, because they were just so.. Impressive. Confident. Talented. I don’t even know the right word because none of those, while all true, aren’t the ones I’m looking for. There was something about their attitude. It was contagious, though. I felt so much better about being on stage and about singing out and standing perfectly that all of my stage fright and nerves just melted away. It was truly an interesting experience.

Mr. Broderick, my Psychology teacher, is going to help me throughout October to plan for my Nanowrimo piece. I hand-wrote my top three ideas down today and brought them to him. It’s interesting because they vary on difficulty; one is pretty typical for a chick-lit book but it’s something I am positive I could write 50,000 words about. The second will be difficult because it involves a lot of action which is something I’ve never written before. And the third would be interesting because it’s more of an abstract concept, which I’ve again never written about.

Anyway, I’m really tired. I apologize for missing a day. I was incredibly tired last night after coming home from the concert and the concert was the meat and potatoes of the day so I couldn’t write before then! And then today, the first thing I really did was take a three hour nap. So yeah, I’ve been doing a lot of catch up on sleep. Woohoo.

So I think I’m done for the day. Got a nice long three-day weekend coming up, no school on Monday and then a Spirit Week which will be fun. 🙂 Lots of good things to write about, most hopefully. Daily Post has a couple of good topics the days I choose I am too tired to actually write which is really annoying but that’s okay, I might go back a day or two when I have more time and energy to write. This hasn’t been bad, really, as it’s only the sixth of November and despite how tired I am I got roughly 600 words out. Prepping and pushing and trying real hard. Now it’s time for sleep, my dearies, for time has successfully slipped away.

Cupcakes and Writing, Writing and Cupcakes…

Cupcakes. I made ten of them. They are gingerbread cupcakes with cinnamon frosting. They are delicious. I can’t have any because they’re for the concert and dessert night tomorrow.

This entry won’t be long and I apologize but I was cleaning the kitchen immediately after I got home and from there I spent a long time making cupcakes and hanging out with Mom so as you may have guessed I’m rather behind on all of my necessary duties such as showering and scrapwriting/brainstorming for Nano.

Which brings me to writing. Yes, writing. I have an idea. I’m going to try and branch onto it with outlines and developments. We’ll see how that goes. I have high hopes for it, I have a secret source of inspiration I’m drawing from. With luck, all will go well. If not, I have lots of other ideas that I’m also very optimistic about. All is going well considering it’s only the fourth day of October.

I’m really tired and I’m going to go shower now and come back and probably write for Nano and completely forget all about homework until tomorrow morning. Except biology probably because biology is a little more extensive … I think. Maybe? I don’t know. Headaches. Dear lord save me.